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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Blown it already

So it begins, the chaos that sets me up to fail.  Or is it just that I have no willpower, guts, stickability?  What happened, my 2 year old grand daughter slept over on Tuesday night, woke in the night and stayed awake for quite a while, I wake up tired.  Breakfast was fine, scrambled eggs all the good stuff.  Then my grand daughter wakes again and is not well, she has a cold and we don't go off to our usual music morning, she sleeps on and off all day.  I don't get a chance to have a proper lunch, I nibble on chicken, strawberries and cheese and nuts.  I then have an appointment in the afternoon after taking her to her mum.  I have a crisis to help another family through and I get home at 6.30pm.  Stressed annoyed at the situation I have just seen this family in,  I grab a bottle of wine on the way home.  WHY you ask, I don't know I asked the same question and got the same answer.  Don't know why, other than I can and at that moment I didn't really care.  Even as I open the bottle and drain most of it I am not even thinking about the guilt and anger I will feel this morning.  I sabotage myself daily.  
So here I am again having to really make myself not throw it in already.  3 days in and off the rails already.  I have a problem to deal with.  Resorting to wine for comfort and though I didn't drink at all for 13 years or so, since I started a few years ago, it is obvious to me, it is not a good thing for me.  So here we go today another day, I have heaps to deal with today, a hangover from the situation I was made aware of yesterday, a family that needs help and I have to make sure I don't resort to my old comfort this afternoon.  Sounds so ridiculous to people who don't need a drink to relax I know, I've been one of you too.  But it is my reality at the moment.  Somehow I need to change my reality.

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